We met at a pub beside his office. We had a smooth conversation. I knew then that I wanted to talk to him again. I said to him, “We should exchange contacts so we can get to know each other very well.” He gave me his number without hesitation. Maybe, he wanted what I wanted too; To get to know each other very well.
We talked on the phone as if we were old friends. On the third day after we met, I was out with some friends when his call came in. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was out with friends. He said, “Why don’t you come and visit me at home if you have the time?”
I knew it was too soon to be in his house. There was hesitation in my response but I eventually accepted to go to his house. After all, he was someone I wanted to be with. I said goodbye to my friends and left for his place.
When I arrived, he started acting naughty. An accidental touch here, an intentional grab there. It was very clear he wanted something to go down right at that moment. I’m not the kind of girl that goes down just like that. It takes knowing who I’m dealing with. It takes security and care. All these come with time so I told him, “Not too fast. I like you but I can’t just jump into bed with you. I have to get to know you better. Let’s take our time.” He responded, “You are right. We should take things slowly.”
So, we did nothing that day.
One day I visited him and found a woman’s slippers in his room. I asked, “Whose are these?” He answered, “I can explain. Give me a little time.” How much time would one need to explain the owner of a pair of slippers? I tried my best to get the information out of him but he wouldn’t say anything apart from asking me to give him some time. I waited for him to leave for work the next day so I can carry out further investigation.
I searched his room. I left no stone unturned. Every corner was inspected. What I found in his wardrobe was quite a sight. There were women’s clothes. The clothes were carefully arranged in three rows. The sizes and styles of the clothes indicated that they belonged to three different people. I was confused. I had so many questions running in my mind. At some point, I wanted to run to his office to ask him questions. On second thought, I decided to wait for his return. When he got home, I opened his wardrobe and showed him what I found. He said again, “Calm down dear, I will explain everything to you.” I forced myself to appear calm as I sat to listen to him.
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He talked about a baby mama. A lady he has a daughter with. That aside, he was dating three other women. Each of them lived in a different city. He said, “All these women are for show. I don’t love any of them. It’s you I want. I have plans for us. I will soon take you to go see my parents. The way you are, they would love you as soon as they meet you.” I told him I couldn’t be with him. “I can’t stay with you after finding out all these. No, it’s not possible.”
He went mellow. As if his breath was being taken out of him. He said “Don’t leave me, please. I really love you. Now that you’re in my life, I will no longer have anything to do with those women. As for my baby mama, the only thing that connects us is our daughter. I will continue to do my duty as a father and take care of our child. That would be the only thing between me and her. You have nothing to worry about. It’s you I want.”
Love is not a switch we turn off and on as and when we need it. It’s a shadow that goes with you wherever you go once you step into it. I had stepped into his love and had fallen deeply. It was hard for me to walk away so I took solace in his explanation and stayed with him.
We stayed together until I found out one day that I was pregnant. When I told him, he expressed doubt about being responsible for the pregnancy; “Are you sure the pregnancy is mine? No, it can’t be mine. You know I withdraw each time we encounter. My withdrawal game is so tight it has never failed me. Why will it fail now?” I couldn’t believe he was telling me all that. I asked, “Do you see me as someone who sleeps around? If that’s what you think of me then why did you say you were going to introduce me to your mother? Why did you choose me over those other women?”
His posture got me so angry. I went to see a doctor the following day and he examined me. After the examination, he told me the pregnancy was just a few weeks old. I told him I didn’t want to keep it. He gave me some pills and instruct me on what next to do. End of story. The deed is done and I feel so sad I had to make that decision. I would have loved to keep it if he gave me the right attitude after telling him the news. His doubt pushed me to do what I did.
His behavior, when I told him about the pregnancy, spoke about how less he loved me. I felt if he truly loved me, he would have proceeded to introduce me to his mother as he planned. Then his people would have come to see my family and we would make plans for marriage. We are both working so it didn’t make any sense when he said, “I am not ready to take care of another child.” If he knew me at all, he would have realized that I’m not a woman who will leave all the responsibilities of the baby to him.
Anyway, what’s done is done but we are still together. Regardless of everything that has happened between us, breaking up with him is still hard. I’m trying to break up with him but the decision to walk away is breaking my heart into pieces. I am trying to be strong and stand on my ground but I am second-guessing myself. I keep wondering if truly I should walk away. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I feel like I’m rushing my decision.